To The Non-Believers

Oftentimes, when people are overtly negative and unbelieving (is that a word?), it's a projection of their own insecurity and inability. Maybe it's not the most zen way of thinking, but one of the most satisfying feelings for me has always been showing people that I'm capable of doing something they didn't think I was capable of. It's difficult to block voices of "can't" from your head and heart, especially if they're people you're close to and spend a lot of time with, but ultimately, if you want to achieve something, no one knows your drive and passion like you do. Smile and nod, be cordial, remember why you do what you do, then be a badass and prove them wrong.

4/5 - 5/5

I went back and forth in my mind for about a week and a half trying to decide whether or not I should post this on my Instagram. I was really proud of the progress I had made in a short amount of time, four weeks, but I wasn't sure of how other people would respond to my half-naked post. To be honest, I've put on a reasonable amount of weight in the last nine months and I wasn't sure of how people I haven't seen in that time would react to my before photo. I also thought people wouldn't be impressed with my four week transformation or wouldn't notice any difference. It takes a LOT of work to make little changes and maybe people wouldn't even notice. What if people thought I was being vain? No, it's not necessary that I post a picture like that on Instagram, so why would I? I could see and hear their judgement in my mind.

And then I thought, why not?!? I had worked really hard to make positive changes in my lifestyle and I was proud of that. Hell yeah I want other people to see the fruits of my labor! And there's nothing wrong with that. If I had a great mental revelation, wouldn't I want to share that with people as well? Why are we ridiculed so much for showing physical revelations?

I realized that the main thing holding me back from posting this picture was the opinion of others and I never want that to be something that dictates my actions. There were a few people in particular that I was concerned about but then I remembered that whoever my true friends are will be extremely supportive, happy for, and proud of me. Showing people my progress is actually a way for me to keep myself accountable and keep me from digressing back to what I was before. I wanted to continue with even more inspiring and motivating transformations. In many ways, I've become my biggest motivation by placing these pictures next to one another. I know that it's possible for me to make progress and improvements when I stay dedicated to something and that encourages me to stay on track to achieve even more progress and more improvements. Fitness models are great motivation but their lifestyle and goals often seem to far fetched for me and the rest of us with full-time 9-6 jobs.

At the end of the day, I live this life for me. I workout for me. I eat right for me. And no one else. And with that, I posted this picture for me. And no one else.

Real Beauty

Perfectly Imperfect

I have flaws. Many that I absolutely hate and would like to rid from my life. But despite all of these flaws, I am perfect. I am perfectly imperfect. I am content with who I am and what I am, everything about me, how I look, how I act... Sure there are ways in which I believe I can improve and better myself as a person, and I continue to strive to be a better person, but this doesn't make me any less perfect.

There are so many things I used to hate about myself. I would scrutinize and brainstorm ways that I could "fix" myself with surgeries and crazy methodology in the future. There were very few parts of myself that I was happy with "as is." As I grew up, I realized that all of these things really do make me uniquely myself and "give me character". I used to think that was just a euphemism for things that were "strange" about me but now I know they really do contribute to making me who I am. As I've gotten older, I've also come to realize just how critical we all are of ourselves. This really isn't healthy or necessary and most of the things we notice about ourselves, other people probably don't even! I admit I still criticize parts of myself but I'm making a conscious effort to do so less often and am continuing to teach myself to embrace everything that makes me me. My mature love and understanding of myself can wash away the insecurities of my youth. ;)

So here we have it, some examples of my perfect imperfections that I'm okay sharing!:

1) My top teeth aren't aligned and I'm insecure about it every time I smile

2) I have a birthmark on my chest that I used to want surgically removed

3) I'll have love handles no matter how much I workout

4) I grew up in a somewhat (read: absolutely) dysfunctional home

5) Sans makeup, I have visible acne scars on my cheeks and forehead

6) I wear my emotions on my sleeve, too much for my own good

7) I don't have an eating disorder, but sometimes I think I have disordered eating

8) I have a resting bitch face (yes, this is a real issue)

9) It's extremely easy for me to fall down the unhealthy eating and exercise-less slope

10) I have a mental battle with myself before 90% of workouts

Embrace everything about yourself, ladies! Seriously, you're absolutely beautiful. Things in their most natural and authentic state are the truest and most beautiful.

Trying Something New

Yesterday, I decided I want to try yoga. I've done yoga a couple of times before, but hardly anything I would consider serious. I took one class at the YMCA with about 30 other people who all seemed to know what they were doing and I've tried to mimic Jillian Michaels on a 30 minute youtube video she released. Yes, these are both technically yoga, but again, I didn't consider either one of them seriously-instructed yoga. The one time I tried yoga at the YMCA I wasn't sold at all and actually told myself it wasn't for me. I'm so used to doing things that are fast-paced and calorie-TORCHING that I didn't really see the benefits of yoga and didn't think it aligned with my goals at the time. This was also a few years back when I was still competing in college I believe.

It's been three years since I played in college but I still train just as often as I did back then. I gained more weight than I'd like to admit during the holidays this past year and have been kicking my own ass to get back in shape during the last couple of months. I lost a few inches during the past few weeks but felt that I was beginning to plateau so I started researching ways I could mix up my routine. I happened to see some interviews done by my favorite fitness models and a number of them mentioned the inclusion of yoga and pilates in their routine. Hmm, maybe I should give this another shot. My company just so happens to offer a number of classes in our gym and there are a few different yoga classes among them. So last night, I went to a class for an hour! I have to say, I loved it! The stretching felt amazing and I already felt so much better after just one class. I've had back issues, tight hips, and all around muscle tension since training and playing competitively in college and these have never really gone away -- these are other reasons why I now want to start including less intense workouts like yoga and pilates into my routine.

So what's the point of this post? Just to tell you I tried yoga? No.

About half way through the class, our instructor said we would be working on handstands again. Again?? Umm, this is my first time here! And I really don't want to crack my head open on day 1. She showed us how to gradually get into a handstand and ways that we could work up to it until we mastered our balance. Some people could start on the floor where they were and others started near a wall to help them get upright first. I started in the middle of the floor (most of the wall space was taken) and I actually got pretty close to vertical at which point, I remember saying, "I'm nervous I'm actually going to get it." Why did I say this? Why was I nervous? Maybe I was nervous of falling. Maybe I was nervous of thrusting too much and actually flipping over backwards. ...all valid reasons...but I began to wonder if I was scared of being successful. It's always a little nerve-racking when you do something outside of your comfort zone. You don't know what to expect and so maybe you won't know how to react. It's been a long time since I did things outside of my comfort zone. My coach used to always tell me to be comfortable being uncomfortable and, if I'm being honest with myself, I don't think I've felt this way for a long time because I haven't put myself in new situations for a long time.

This was a reminder to myself that I shouldn't fear success. In the attempts of being successful, failure is sure to arise but this is all part of the process. Who knows what great things could come from this experience if I'm too nervous or scared to...try? succeed? And when we reach success, it's nothing to be ashamed of. So often, I try to remain modest by never showing what I've accomplished, but allowing other people to see your successes doesn't make you arrogant or vain, like I sometimes fear it does. Feel confident about the work you put in for the results you get out.

This says it all

Body Positive

Lately, I've been particularly aware of the way my friends and coworkers (the female ones) have been commenting on their diets and bodies... Jesus, we're all fun, smart, successful, and beautiful! Why are we so negative?! I recently read an article on medium.com about how the way other people perceive themselves ultimately influences the way we perceive ourselves and perhaps reading this article heightened my sense to do so because lately, I've been second guessing myself. For the most part, I feel pretty positive and confident about my body, imperfections and all, but with everyone else harping on their body, I begin to do the same. I'm writing this blog post (my first in nine months) because I need to vent these feelings out.

When my mother, my friends, and my coworkers all say, "I'm so fat" or "I'm so ugly", "I'm a fatty, I know" ... "I hate this about myself...", etc..., it ultimately makes me believe the things that they're saying. Not only that, but it makes me begin to believe these negative things about myself when I mimic their actions. I don't know if women try to protect themselves by calling out their own behaviors and labeling them as negative before anyone else does, but I don't feel like any of this is healthy. So you had a burrito for lunch. You had a slice of cake after your burrito. You skipped a day at the gym. That's okay! Why do we speak of these actions as negative and sinful?

One of my coworkers came back from lunch today and I asked her what she got. She said, "I went with [Mary] who got a salad but I got tacos. I'm being fat. I failed, I know." I couldn't even respond to her. So does this mean I'm fat when I decide to eat a taco? Does this mean I'm fat anytime I don't eat a salad? No. This certainly does not make you (or me!) fat and it certainly does not make you a failure. Why do we feel the need to even make comments like this? Would it not have been enough for her to simply say, "I got tacos"? I don't think anyone would ever have the intention of judging her for what she ate and it's sad to me that she seems to have that expectation. This particular coworker also happens to be taller and skinnier than myself which confuses me even more and, again, leads me to believe that she thinks I'm overweight and that I should feel badly about myself for not limiting myself to a salad. This may all be based off of her insecurities but I've seen a number of women speak with the same tone and level of self esteem. It's contagious, unhealthy, and frankly, really annoying. You're a beautiful intelligent woman and you live in a beautiful body. Please stop putting yourself down.

I can only imagine that a lot of this springs from our natural instinct to compare ourselves to others. Maybe this coworker doesn't think she's "fit" in comparison to some celebrity she envies? There is body envy for others but we need to start having body envy for ourselves. We only have one body and it's the one we're stuck with for the rest of our lives so why not love it?! I'm always a supporter of trying to improve yourself and be your best self, but this best self should be defined by you and no one else. Everyone's body is different but it functions in every way we need it to so embrace what you have.

Another example of negative self-perception that I see on a regular basis comes from my mother. As my mother has gotten older, she's begun to make more and more comments about her physical appearances. I can't ever remember her doing this as I was growing up but now, all I hear is her nitpicking at her flaws. I always tell her, "You're the oldest you've ever been, but the youngest you'll ever be. In another twenty years, you're going to wish you had appreciated the beauty that are right now. Focus on what you have because it is beautiful." No matter what it is about ourselves, we should embrace what we have now as opposed to deconstructing and criticizing it. 

I truly believe that one of the most attractive features of a female is confidence. I know it realistically takes a lot to achieve this but if we can slowly learn to love and accept ourselves for who and what we are, and truly find the beauty in what makes each of us unique, a new, positive contagion will spread. So spread love! Spread positivity! Spread support! We're here to lift each other up so that we all succeed but let's start by lifting ourselves up. We are all beautiful. <3